The Blameless April 27, 2011

Mixed up in a world that agrees with nothing I believe.

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A faceless man with hard breath
Sour and angry
Moves towards me.

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Mixed up in a world where strangers are closer than family.

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Shifting one leg over the other
I pull him close to me
Wanting all he has to offer.

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Mixed up in a world that glorifies instant gratification.

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My desires
Stronger than my mind
Overwhelms our physical unification.

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Mixed up in a world that preys on innocent love.

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He reaches into my mouth
Goes straight for my heart; grips fiercely,
Yanking it from my chest.

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Mixed up in a world where fighting prevails.

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Entranced by his allure
I never say stop
I never once even moan in pain.

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Mixed up in a world filled with beautiful struggle.

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I allow him to steal my heart from its safe casing
I watch him steal every ounce of my self
Left feeling used, penniless, cheap.

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Mixed up in a world, having only myself to blame.

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© LRS 2011

Unworthy April 25, 2011

On a quest

Searching for happiness within,

I have yet to be capable of loving my self.

This morning I awoke dismayed

Never thin enough

Nice enough

Strong enough

Christian enough

Worth enough to be content with me.

Surrounded by worldly possessions and its keepers,

Struggling to stay focused on Christ,

Today I realized I won’t win this battle.

I cried, screamed,

Begged Jesus to take me home

Free me into the heavens,

Fill my heart with infinite peace.

Tired, frustrated, hurt, and broken…

I gave in.

The pain is too deep

Too often and

Too much for me to bear.

I want out, I confessed,

I have no desire to fight any longer.

Nothing in or of this world is worthy,

Certainly neither am I.

-

© LRS 2011

No Trespassing April 22, 2011

Sick to my stomach
Disgusted to say the least
I will not keep company in your filth.

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You don’t understand what you’ve lost
What you have chased away.
All that could have been yours
Will go to someone else.
I know you don’t care now,
But someday you will.
I hope then you will make amends,
Rebuild relationships.

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So easily you threw away
Such precious bonds
Gifts, from God,
Which are not promised to be here when you’re ready,
Selfish boy.

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You cannot understand the magnitude
Of how you have forever killed a piece of me.
My soul, still connected to yours,
Will always be tainted by your
Vicious attempts to murder my affection.

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Offered so much,
You violently turned your back on us.
Overpowered by self-hate,
You denied yourself a chance at real relationships
Outside of your selfish desires.

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Consumed by the past
Haunted by loveless beings
You fought against the wrong force.
Pressed hard, away from love,
Instead of protecting yourself from thieves
Nagging at your soul.
You gave in, gave up, put up no fight.
With each passing day,
You allowed them to steal love from your grasp.

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Refusing to see what you see
You cannot learn what is quite obvious.
Your doubt and hate
Keep you from experiencing our love.

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I’m out. I’m done.
My heart is closed.
If you change your ways
I may allow you another glance.
Until then,
Keep Out.

-

© LRS 2011

Open-Ended Love Affair April 21, 2011

Not too far off in the distance

A large white smoke billows

Over the length of my body.

A tiring week of events soaks

My clothes in sweat.

His touch, too often forgotten,

Casts shadows in colors missed by the naked eye.

Only under the dark of these shadows

Am I able to express my desires.

Been asleep for many years

Lost, under his spell,

Now awake, feeling all but the present.

I cannot shut my eyes to rest.

Simple, yet uneasy tasks

Crash like waves onto my head

Knocking me down. Swirling under

I am not allowed to come up for air.

One after the other I am pressed down

Deeper and deeper into the earth.

Separated as can possibly be from the heavens,

I am closer to God than ever before.

I let out a loud screech, a call for help,

Hoping others will hear me and seek me,

Rescue me, transform my mind.

Focusing on lines, lines that show definitives,

Age, experience, heritage,

How these lines connect us.

One becomes two, then four, and back to one,

No relation between the previous

Yet all attached to the being,

Which is separate from my soul.

Softening blows, only through acceptance.

Governing peace, through understanding.

Weighing down upon my shoulders, the

Pressure of cohesiveness;

No longer a part of the responsibility I am willing to bear.

I will do my part, only my part.

I will be what is needed, for you,

Only for you, all for you, embracing you.

-

© LRS 2011

My Voice April 18, 2011

My eye lids so transparent,
Even with my eyes pressed tightly closed
Trying not to see,
I still see his face.

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His voice so distinct,
Several hundred years could pass and I would still recognize that voice,
Lingers in my ears.
It winds around my mind in unfamiliar patterns too complex to understand.

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I just need to hear you.
I love you.
He knows never to question my love.
Without ever needing an explanation my care is apparent.

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Heavy breath, thunderous pants, uncontrollable fear,
Panic sets in.
Nothing can live amongst this anxiety.
Devoid of light the dark, dark of night captures his thoughts.

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No place to hide
No comfort to be found
No home to call his own.
I feel this weakness and oddly, it provides me strength.

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A tiny speck of sand, a broken piece of rock, so small it goes unnoticed.
Regarded as dust, dirt, trash;
A part of this earth, but unnecessary for survival.
Pushed aside, forgotten, left to suffer, die, rot.

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No amount of wrong done, selfishness shown,
Or resentment pent-up can make me compassionless.
Allowing bitterness to overpower would make me the perpetrator.
I will not be cruel, heartless, spiteful.

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What really matters in life
What is important to me
What I am capable of,
Is what makes me different than you and others that deny him and those of his likeness.

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When he needs, I am there.
When he must, I am there.
When he can’t, I am there.
When he… I am there.

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Instead of losing sight of me, I am there
Gaining, retrieving a part of me that was ripped away
Without a second thought, many years ago.
Together we ride, hands in the air, giving up everything, loving only one another.

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You were speaking my words, writing my thoughts; like we were the same person.
I regret… I shouldn’t have… I tried… I’m sorry.
I just need to hear your voice.
I love you.

-

© LRS 2011