My Rising July 19, 2011

Locked up
behind doors in my mind.
Mountains of thoughts
built up over time
waiting patiently
to be climbed,
overcome,
to crumble with confidence.
In favor of my heart
I tightly close my eyes
refuse to see anything
other than love.
Like stones loosening at the base
my emotions drift off
break free from their foundation
become their own.
I’ve been given a second chance
a rare opportunity to connect
never contemplating the risks
I free fall from
the highest point of my thoughts
and wait to be caught.
Soaring above my body
looking over all aspects of life
I find true love.
Slowly
I may be ready to open the doors
one
easy turn of the knob
at a time.

 

© LRS 2011

 

For(ward) Ever July 9, 2011

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could be someone
Other than me.
So disappointed
In what I’ve become
With the mistakes I’ve made
Disgusted
With the regret I feel.

 

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could feel something
Other than heartache.
Tired of hurting
Tired of crying
Tired of my protests
Falling on deaf ears.

 

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could be saved
Redeemed for my sins.
I can do this
I must press on
Gather my strength
Forward ever,
Backward never.

 

© LRS 2011

 

I Am July 7, 2011

I am
stuck
Like chewed bubble gum on the bottom of a dirty shoe.

 

I am
whispering
Like a sinful Catholic schoolgirl in a dimly lit library.

 

I am
guilty
Like a violent burglar caught on video.

 

I am
angry
Like a wild boar trapped in a wire cage.

 

Thrashing my body against the walls of your mind
I want out
Let me free
Strong and determined
I will break these chains of oppression
Stand on one foot of bravery
Fiercely grip confidence
Staring you right in the eyes.

 

Back
the fuck
up!

 

© LRS 2011

 

Rest in Peace July 2, 2011

I purge you
From my heart
From my mind
I vomit thoughts of you
Your name
The sound of your voice
From my belly walls
Out into the street

 

I suffocate
Smother your scent
From my nostrils
Breathe you out
From my soul
I flush you
Cast you into the dark sea
So you can never control me again

 

I slap your face
With spikes in my hand
I mutilate you
Smash your head into the gravel
Watch your flesh bleed out
Turn blue
Turn white
Smile,
As creatures of the night feast on your body

 

Just as leaves blow in the autumn air
So do my cares for you
I separate from you
Drain my warmth out onto another
My eyes wide open
My heart closed up
Hard pressed
Guilt ridden
Soaked in grease, I slipped

 

I gather what’s left
Douse you in gasoline
Light a match
The same match I’ll use to burn my flesh
Scar my skin
To match my heart
Use my wetness to put out the flames

 

Stroked
Twisted
Caught dead in the middle of the day
Draw your pain on my feet
Step into the lake and wash your hurt away
The water turns black
Stained by your struggle
Gruesome and proud
I am not your savior

 

No appetite
I feed on your retinas
No thirst
I drink your juices
Not tired
I sleep amongst your remains
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust

 

© LRS 2011

 

First Love June 29, 2011

Lost, abandoned by selfish family
She saw him
Thick curls warmed his neck
Brown framed his face
A tall, thin, hardened boy
The pain of seclusion leaked from his heavy eyes

 

When he said I love you
Her heart filled with acceptance
When she felt his puckered lips
Pressed against her natural breasts
She filled with warm, rich pleasure
The sweet sensation of his gentle touch
Deep within
Hurt her courageous bones with joy

 

She didn’t want to part from him
She wouldn’t ever give him the chance to forget her
Stay around
Stay with me
Her heart constricted with pure agony
With each passing city
The distance between their souls
Grew more and more

 

She felt his love slipping right through her wet fingertips
She never intended to leave
She lay there, aloof
Staring at his masculine image
Pretending they were still together
Tormented by fate
A master at running away
She bid adieu
Their love will pullulate forever

 

© LRS 2011

 

Clairvoyant June 15, 2011

I write,
Even though I know
No one is reading,
Because it’s healing…
For me.
If any reason
Is good enough,
I am.

 

Alone
Braless
Vulnerable,
Loving my self
More than I loved you.
Patient
Capable
Willing,
Desperately necessary
Handle with care.

 

In one instance
We tainted everything
For better or worse?
I’m not sure.
Do I wish
To go back in time
Take back that moment?
Sometimes…
Mostly.

 

Slowly,
I am opening my heart
Yet again, to you,
Although you still
Remain nameless
In my phone book.
This time
You’ll need to
Earn
Your spot.

 

Knowing you may
Glance my way
Encourages me to
Strive,
Work harder
Be smarter
Aim higher.
Perhaps my sparkle
Will capture your heart
Once and for all.

 

Finally at peace
I see what you see,
I no longer require
Your validation to thrive.
I am
And forever shall be
Wonderfully made.

 

Now, I wait for sleep
To overtake my mind
My body,
Where hopefully
My dreams
Will be less disappointing than
My reality.

 

© LRS 2011

 

God is Love May 4, 2011

Evil doer
You attempted to lead me astray,
You are the liar
You are the denier
A false prophet,
You did not withstand my tests.

 

My fears
Have been driven out
By perfect love,
The one who is in me
Is greater
Than the one who is in the world.

 

Lost
In lawlessness
You remain
In death,
A murderer
Outside of eternal life.

 

I carry with me
The spirit of truth
I am in chains for Christ,
Victory will be mine
Born of God
I will overcome the world.

 

Insist my truth is stupid
Not to worry, boy
I have faith
My ‘stupidity’
Will last for eternity.

 

I am not surprised
That the world
Hates me,
For I have passed
From death
To life.

 

Love me as I loved you
Not with words
Instead,
With actions
And in truth.

 

I didn’t know where I was going
The darkness
Had blinded me,
Not everything of the world
Comes from
The Father.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Beautiful Liar March 28, 2011

Skilled
At what you do
Years in production
Practice doesn’t make perfect
You are a natural.
Little of your effort
It takes
To master this art.
Not much forethought
Goes into preparation
A true talent
That has become you.

-

Dark eyes
An honest smile
Young and overlooked
Who was your first?
Did they see you?
Were your skills valued?
Perhaps they were
Too self-absorbed
Too ignorant
To cherish your special gift.

-

I realized
Rather quickly
You chose me
To receive your truth
I never had a chance.
To escape your passion
Meant
Turning my back
On myself
Something you knew
I would never do.

-

You held on tight
Called out to me
Knowing I was listening
Waiting for your world
To become
My own.
When you reached
For my hand
There was no going back.
I agreed
To take that trip
With you
Promised
It wasn’t fantasy
I knew the reality.
You undressed me
With your words
You borrowed my spirit
Made all the right plays.
Outside of myself
I watched you
You led the orchestra
Of my heart
Into a symphony
Of cohesive harmonies.

-

Accepting this you
Is foolish of me
I know your art
Will always be
Your first love.
A willing victim
Living in your castle
I believe you
Killing myself
One word at a time.
I sacrifice
For the better of you
Someday you’ll see
I gave you strength
It was me
Who empowered you
I’ll take your shame
Discharge your guilt
Onto my shoulders.
Continue to build
Your character of talent
Fine tune your masterpiece
Together we’ll live
In your vision
Me
An enthusiast
You
A beautiful liar.

-

© LRS 2011

A, Cousin of Mine March 17, 2011

Allay and subtle

She writes with certainty.

Dedicated and adoring

She protects her soul,

One step at a time.

She evaluates life

Past experiences

Religious ideals

… herself.

She has yet to discover

The remarkable woman within.

Pleasing to God

Gentle in spirit

Blinding beauty exudes,

One step at a time.

Blessed to know her, am I.

As I read her words

Direct and influential

She unlocks my enthusiasm for Christ.

Grace and dignity

She owns.

Obedience and justice

She adheres to,

One step at a time.

Open to learning

Guided by God

Fear does not seize her.

Silently judged

She desires to break away

A healthy message she delivers,

One step at a time.

Balanced

She walks with the Lord.

Patient

She waits on Him.

Engrossed

She seeks God’s will.

Plagued by the world

Focused on harmony

I see her clothed in calm

Soothing us with her gifts,

One step at a time.

-

© LRS 2011

Everclear February 4, 2011

Breathe

Deep breaths.

In and out

Just breathe.

I’m left alone

Separated.

Now I can finally breathe.

 -

Slightly sad

I do miss him.

Not the man I now know

Rather, who he was before.

I am happier without him.

I was miserable

Craving more.

 -

I allowed lust to break me.

I lost everything

Hard work gone wasted.

I’ve taken back my heart

I’m in the driver’s seat now.

I learned my lesson

The hard way.

 -

I always struggle

Being drawn to those that use

Abuse

Throw away.

I shouldn’t allow adore to consume me.

The level of sin and despair I was trapped in

Will never again survive me.

 -

Focusing on

Jesus

Myself

And genuine relationships.

Being cautious with my heart

Without changing who I am.

Thankful I learned this

I am now stronger

Smarter

More in harmony with my spirit.

I eliminated toxic wastes

My purpose is clear.

 -

 -

[You may not believe this

God uses you to reach others.

He used you to reveal me.

God has a master plan

I trust Him.

 -

I’m sure you already know

You’re not that

Smart

Nice

Successful

Loving

Compassionate

Understanding

Sympathetic

Caring

Or attractive.

 -

You are a

Selfish

Rude

Dishonest

Cruel

Ignorant,

Failure.

I am content being ignored

By you.

 -

I no longer want

To attract people like you.

Apparently, my message is being received

Loud and clear.

Accomplish all the fame and fortune

This world has to offer,

You will never be as happy as I

Until you are able

To be honest with yourself

About whom you really are.

 -

You want others to feel about you

All the horrible things

You feel about you.

You make your own worst judgments

Come true.

Call yourself an asshole

Treat others like shit

They will eventually agree with you.

 -

Want compliments?

Change.

It is obvious

You are not ready or capable

To change right now

I have to change.

You’ll be left in the dust

To fend for yourself

You’ll be fine

I did it.]

 -

© LRS 2011

Flesh Wide Open, Overexposed December 31, 2010

I see sadness in every person that passes me. I can sense the loneliness that haunts me in every surrounding soul.

 -

I don’t know what I’m doing here. Working so hard to maintain… keep it all together. What will calm me? What will soothe this heartache?

 -

I don’t laugh like I used to… I need that joy back. Each day, the same as the next; nothing to look forward to. I just need to breathe, but even that’s hard nowadays.

 -

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

 -

I’m driving straight into the darkness. Feeling weak although I know what courage this requires.

 -

With each breakdown, I have a breakthrough, but the pain doesn’t get any easier to feel. I am so tired of feeling. I just want to empty into a sea of white space and feel nothing… care for no one… desire no more. For now, I will talk myself to wellness.

 -

I’m sick of being fucked up and allowing others to control my thoughts. So sick… horribly sick… disgusted in fact. I want to reach out, but I know I should step back, pull away, and keep my distance.

 -

I need a break, a long break, perhaps live life as someone else for a bit. Who shall I become? One who is overly cared for would be nice… one that needs to be taken care of and basks in the enjoyment others have in caring for them.

 -

I just want to feel loved… and loveable. Worthy of love.

 -

Wish I could turn to a substance for escape, but nothing eases my pain. I want to escape, so I run; run fast, hard, and without looking back. Running towards my darkness, towards my biggest fears; opening myself to all the hurt in the world. And I have no idea what is to come.

 -

I am so afraid… mostly of rejection. Although I can’t imagine I could hurt anymore than I already do.

 -

I only eat because I know I should, and sleep is the same. I can’t seem to find anyone as broken as I to relate to.

 -

With each passing tree and mountain peak, the closer I feel to freedom. Oh Lord God, please help me find freedom. I strongly desire freedom. Bound by this disturbing depression, closed off to those who really do love me and instead drawn to those who just don’t give a shit!

 -

I need to confront this head on and bite back.

“Fuck you.”

“I love you.”

“Ignore me.”

“Pay attention to me.”

Where is my normal?

 -

I haven’t been able to remember my dreams in months, except for today. I was talking with my dad on the phone, his voice was just as I remembered, he was hesitant in meeting with me, and so I cried and begged him. I promised no judgment, no negativity, just an embrace… the embrace I’ve longed for. He asked why I came to Tucson, “For you dad. To see you.” He seemed shocked yet it made him smile, I could hear it in his voice. Validation… he longs for it just as I do. What’s killing me is killing him too. I awoke, tears drenched my pillow, my heart felt a moment of peace… he’ll meet me… at least that’s what I’ll think for now.

 -

I wish I were numb.

 -

Thinking about the Lord and how much He loves me is the only thing that really makes me happy; makes my soul smile brightly.

 -

This too shall pass…

-

© LRS 2010

2:10 am December 19, 2010

Awoken by a telling chime,
I lay surrounded by darkness.
Cold and quiet,
I am not tired.
In rooms bursting with people
I am alone.
Talking to you
Provides relief.
I filled with anger
As you spoke tonight.
I can no longer
Tolerate us.
Rattled and questioned,
My faith stepped in to rescue me.
Suffocated by your love,
I need to breathe again.
Not quite sure where I went,
Lost in a sea of others.
Loving you
Has broken me,
Learning them
Has focused me,
Practicing
Has inspired me.
Never devoid of heartache;
Never enough love.
Linked to characters in a fantasy world;
Disconnected from God.
Smothered by this world,
Desired by its keepers,
My voice
Shall be heard.
Those who tore at me
Will heed
And will grieve
At my ignore.
Brilliant and blackened,
Shadows cool my force.
Thoughts of red
Quickly emerge.
Names flow off your tongue
Like I don’t exist.
I am attacked,
Filled with sorrow.
Consume me
Swallow me
Become me
Free me.
Filtered by your stare
Allowed by your will,
Accept me
Then forget me.
Only the rain can wash this bitterness away.

 

© LRS 2010

 

Tears of Grace October 31, 2010

Lost
in my desire for pain
I am searching
for greatness
Dreaming of the day
when my flesh
will be calm
Aching
for all the right reasons.

 

Always pointing
her finger at me
I try to smile
Eyes bright
full of darkness.

 

Peace
Love
Joy
Why do I strike you
Am I so unworthy?

 

I have mashed my feelings
down so deep
I can’t even
remember their scent
Losing more
and more
with each exhale
I await the life
I should be living.

 

Father, please
forgive me
my ungrateful heart
Search my soul
O Lord,
make me new
in You
Whole
alive in spirit
and truth
Learning with every blink.

 

I long to know you
Trapped in this body
Constantly pushed away
by my own thoughts
I ought to kill this all
serve you, only.

 

Ripped from his arms
I am ready to let go
on my own
I am not holding on
Hoping to live another day
attempt life once more.

 

Cracking warmth
chills my spirit
My mind
is open to receive
lazy
Motivated
selfish
Determined…
To love my self
Too many emotions
to sort through.

 

It is never too late
for true regret
Blindly existing
pretending to feel
Will I be healed?
I can’t allow
this to end
I have yet
to even begin.

 

I see her
I can see her
there she is
Tears
graze my cheeks
I see me.

 

© LRS 2008

 

You September 25, 2010

 

Hello.

I see you over there

Staring at me.

I am pleased

You’re fond of what you see.

Will you hold my hand?

Will you move a little closer

So I can hear you speak?

Welcome.

I could sense you

From a distance

Yearning to kiss me.

You seem tense.

Am I not what you expected?

Allow me to latch on forever

And gaze into your eyes.

May I hug you?

Today is goodbye.

Our time together

Has been swift.

Still in your presence

Yet already desiring

To be with you again.

Promise when I wake up

You will be there.

Promise when I open my eyes

I’ll look over to find

You,

With me.

 

© LRS 2010

 

Distance September 18, 2010

Days go by
So long and unfamiliar,
The nights
So lonely.
I walk about
Searching for fulfillment
My soul desires connection.

 

I crave your love
Acceptance
Attention.
Fears accumulated since birth,
I have worked so attentively to overcome,
Are back, draining life from
Deep within my soul.

 

Purposely not allowing negative emotions to overcome me
I sit back
Glass in hand
And breathe in, oh so deeply.
My thoughts are inconsistent and overwhelming.
Sweet green, please
Calm my mind.

 

My passion,
Honest and luring,
Separates us even more.
I step away, just for a moment, to
Let my thoughts run wild.
Joy and happiness brings heartache
And I am confused.

 

My sentiment is raw and true,
But still new
And unpredictable.
Will closeness cure this
Or must I relish in these feelings,
Allow them to ferment
And accept what they become.

 

Arrows grip my flesh
My stomach aches with adore
The pure satisfaction is telling.
I long to know you
Hold your hand in mine.
Hear your voice
Speak my words.

 

I study your face
I am determined to find similarities.
Oh precious man
Walk your path and stumble onto my own,
Look into my eyes and deny me.
Pay my spirit for the years of debt.
Sing a lullaby as I fall asleep.

 

Mend your ways.
Increase our love.
Tear down this
Distance
And hold me
In your arms,
Forever.

 

© LRS 2010