Pain, the Price of Freedom September 8, 2012

I started reading this book ‘The Untethered Soul’, which has been helping me deal with, not run away from, the loss of several significant relationships in the past year (my brother, dad, husband, best friend, boyfriend, and the recent death of my 12 year old pet cat).

Today I prayerfully read chapter 11 ‘Pain, the Price of Freedom’ through tears, and this is what it taught me…
I must become familiar with pain in order to grow. If I’m doing things to avoid pain, then pain is actually running my life; all my thoughts and feelings will be affected by my fears. Hiding the pain, or pushing it away, will only hinder my growth, my healing. On the other side of pain is ecstasy, is freedom.

After I read this chapter I prayed again, with loving kindness I allowed myself to feel the great depths of pain, then I released it to the care of my heavenly Father. I immediately felt the heaviness of that pain lifted. I recognized the sadness I was feeling, but it no longer identified me nor dictated my actions for the rest of today. I felt a small bit of this freedom, of peace, and I felt a deeper connection to God.

I’m so very grateful for the many people I have in my life today that encourage me to grow, make difficult decisions, and stand by my side. I feel your love, support, and prayers. I am uplifted, enlightened, and awake to this very powerful and important spiritual journey. Thank you for doing service to the Father and helping me change for the better. I love who I’m becoming and I love you for accepting all of me.

“The Untethered Soul: the journey beyond yourself by Michael A. Singer”

© LR 2012

True Love September 4, 2012

Reading 1 John today, I’m reminded of the great love of God and His simple commands.

The passage about Walking in the Light has me prayerfully asking God to continue saturating me in His light, ever removing my heart from living in blind darkness. The passage on Loving One Another further instills my belief of my natural ability to love and my strong desire to love as Christ loves.

Sometimes, I get caught up in this world and it wears on my spirit, but studying readings like this reminds me that I am not of this world and the one who is in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4:4). Despite my many struggles, fears, heartache and weaknesses, God continues to remind me that He is here, with me, ready to carry my burdens as I allow. He loves me, regardless of my sins, and wants to breathe new life in me through His Son. I’m not afraid because, there is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear (1 John4:18).

© LR 2012

Conversations April 11, 2012

An instance of pure nostalgia,
a sudden shift in mood,

Doubt, fear, and anger
flood my thoughts,

A moment on cloud nine
ruined by my own disbelief,

Questions run through my mind,
my heart races in predetermined pain,

Tears shed for the day
he’ll break my heart.

Nothing can ever be enough,
no one will ever be enough,

I turn away from depth,
this risk I’ll take,

Living each day killing my self
one thought at a time,

Rest dear woman,

Enjoy the journey of love,
allow yourself to be good enough,

Believe you’re deserving of adoration
simply, because you are.

© LR 2012

Empty Love September 13, 2011

Intentionally creating silence
Hoping to be ignored
Something I can more easily relate to than this outpouring of attention

 

You make clear this murky water of despair flowing freely through my heart
Never before deemed important enough to be sought out
Remembered, made whole

 

Even if your care is all for show
Your love just words
Your thoughts intended for another
I’ll accept

 

At times, sadness overwhelms my mind
Tramples through my heart like a tornado
Destroying everything in its path

 

Why can’t I hold you?
Why after all I’ve done
Am I no more important than the strangers you pass?

 

Your presence would conquer all my doubts
Put to rest all my questions,
Yet strike fear to the depths of my core

 

Certain I’m only worth it from a distance
Walls go back up
Barriers I broke down slowly return

 

The pain felt against my flesh, I can tolerate
The strikes made against my heart drain my eyes
Every last drop
Emptying my soul for selfish gain

 

Darkness seeps from my being
It is fact
I am just your muse

 

© LRS 2011

 

Walking in the Light August 31, 2011

 

Heart racing
Increased breaths
The emptiness behind these walls fills with terror.
Forced to view my reflection through his eyes
I tremble with fear.
Questioning if his love is genuine
I test his level of acceptance
Revealing my soul’s darkest secret.
Strong enough to say goodbye
Hoping he won’t also disappear
Ask me to face this alone.

 

As I write each word
I also say it aloud
Wanting my own ears to finally accept the twisted truth.
So sure he’s scared, disgusted, and ready to run
I push,
“It’s okay. I understand. You can go, I’ll be fine.”
In my heart I plead,
Please don’t leave me all alone. Please still love me. Please, I need you.

 

Confusion instantly flees
I hear myself
I know
I see what I see
Found, I am home.
I feel peace blanket me entire.
Calm releases from my gut and spreads
Searching for freedom
Out through my toes, fingertips, mouth, and top of my head
Spins around, covering me complete.
No longer bound by darkness,
Trapped dead in secrets
It is well with my soul
I am free.

 

Tenderness whirls through my body.
He gently takes my heart in his hands
Breathes life back into my deadened spirit.
Softly, softer than ever before
He kisses my forehead
Lovingly hugs me close
Sings songs of praise as I weep in his embrace.
He never once closes his eyes
Turns his back
Or leaves my presence.
He takes my hand
Stitches it to his own
So we may take this journey together,
Reclaim passion
Live in love.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Numb August 12, 2011

I realize you need me strong
Forever capable of running this race.
Not made of steel
I sometimes crumble,
It is then
I need your strength.
Yesterday,
You let us down
Lost your cool
Made a dangerous mistake.
My trust, now shattered
I gather the remaining pieces
Attempt to salvage our love.
On this empty space beside me
Lingers your scent
I smell you in my dreams.
Why did you let go?
Why do I hold on?
I’ll continue to wait
Just wish you wouldn’t take
So long.
Discover yourself…
Find me.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Whispers in the Wind July 11, 2011

Bits and pieces of you float around me

With each blink I attempt to wrap you within my mind

Dancing in the wind, you flirt

Pluck my curls from beneath my ear

Leave sweet kisses atop my lashes

Gently, eagerly; land on my chest

When I reach for you, you weave through my fingertips

One after the other you gather on my cheeks

I press you into my skin; allow my flesh to absorb your energy

Deep in thought you step into my mind

Capture me from those in my presence

Keep me for yourself

Release into me

Together we are home

 

© LRS 2011

 

For(ward) Ever July 9, 2011

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could be someone
Other than me.
So disappointed
In what I’ve become
With the mistakes I’ve made
Disgusted
With the regret I feel.

 

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could feel something
Other than heartache.
Tired of hurting
Tired of crying
Tired of my protests
Falling on deaf ears.

 

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could be saved
Redeemed for my sins.
I can do this
I must press on
Gather my strength
Forward ever,
Backward never.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Catch and Release July 6, 2011

What do I want?
What do I imagine?
Horror plagues your face
As the answers spill
From these troubled lips

So pure?
So righteous?
Allow me to introduce myself
Sick in depth
Beyond repair

A one way ticket to hell
Not sure I want to make the trip back
Another plight into lust
Snatched up without a fight
I practically begged

You wish
To be in my presence
Bathe in my light
Yet, I’m sure
Disappointment is all I’ll cause

Touch with one finger
Then retract into your fantasy
I won’t taste sweet
I won’t smell of love
I’ll sag and sway and disgust you away

Please stop
Turn around
Run deep into her arms
Where you belong
Remember me no more

After all
I am meant for another
One stroke at a time
I free you
From my grip

 

© LRS 2011

 

Rest in Peace July 2, 2011

I purge you
From my heart
From my mind
I vomit thoughts of you
Your name
The sound of your voice
From my belly walls
Out into the street

 

I suffocate
Smother your scent
From my nostrils
Breathe you out
From my soul
I flush you
Cast you into the dark sea
So you can never control me again

 

I slap your face
With spikes in my hand
I mutilate you
Smash your head into the gravel
Watch your flesh bleed out
Turn blue
Turn white
Smile,
As creatures of the night feast on your body

 

Just as leaves blow in the autumn air
So do my cares for you
I separate from you
Drain my warmth out onto another
My eyes wide open
My heart closed up
Hard pressed
Guilt ridden
Soaked in grease, I slipped

 

I gather what’s left
Douse you in gasoline
Light a match
The same match I’ll use to burn my flesh
Scar my skin
To match my heart
Use my wetness to put out the flames

 

Stroked
Twisted
Caught dead in the middle of the day
Draw your pain on my feet
Step into the lake and wash your hurt away
The water turns black
Stained by your struggle
Gruesome and proud
I am not your savior

 

No appetite
I feed on your retinas
No thirst
I drink your juices
Not tired
I sleep amongst your remains
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust

 

© LRS 2011

 

Clairvoyant June 15, 2011

I write,
Even though I know
No one is reading,
Because it’s healing…
For me.
If any reason
Is good enough,
I am.

 

Alone
Braless
Vulnerable,
Loving my self
More than I loved you.
Patient
Capable
Willing,
Desperately necessary
Handle with care.

 

In one instance
We tainted everything
For better or worse?
I’m not sure.
Do I wish
To go back in time
Take back that moment?
Sometimes…
Mostly.

 

Slowly,
I am opening my heart
Yet again, to you,
Although you still
Remain nameless
In my phone book.
This time
You’ll need to
Earn
Your spot.

 

Knowing you may
Glance my way
Encourages me to
Strive,
Work harder
Be smarter
Aim higher.
Perhaps my sparkle
Will capture your heart
Once and for all.

 

Finally at peace
I see what you see,
I no longer require
Your validation to thrive.
I am
And forever shall be
Wonderfully made.

 

Now, I wait for sleep
To overtake my mind
My body,
Where hopefully
My dreams
Will be less disappointing than
My reality.

 

© LRS 2011

 

On Bowed Knees May 10, 2011

Doors upon doors open my chest
Guilt spills out covering their faces like masks.
They hide beneath terror
Afraid of righteousness
The fear of God paralyzes them.

 

Heightened burdens cloud my steps,
Inspire my actions.
Realized and provoked
Their teeth rip into my flesh with rage
Hungry for blood,
Thirsty for revenge.

 

Eat, sulk
Celebrate my demise.
Sins overshadow greatness
Anger arises, brighter than crisp white linen
Soft and with vigilant preparation.

 

Mercy seeps
My pores constrict with desire.
I withdraw nothing
I rule with skills of a Queen.

 

© LRS 2011

 

God is Love May 4, 2011

Evil doer
You attempted to lead me astray,
You are the liar
You are the denier
A false prophet,
You did not withstand my tests.

 

My fears
Have been driven out
By perfect love,
The one who is in me
Is greater
Than the one who is in the world.

 

Lost
In lawlessness
You remain
In death,
A murderer
Outside of eternal life.

 

I carry with me
The spirit of truth
I am in chains for Christ,
Victory will be mine
Born of God
I will overcome the world.

 

Insist my truth is stupid
Not to worry, boy
I have faith
My ‘stupidity’
Will last for eternity.

 

I am not surprised
That the world
Hates me,
For I have passed
From death
To life.

 

Love me as I loved you
Not with words
Instead,
With actions
And in truth.

 

I didn’t know where I was going
The darkness
Had blinded me,
Not everything of the world
Comes from
The Father.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Unworthy April 25, 2011

On a quest

Searching for happiness within,

I have yet to be capable of loving my self.

This morning I awoke dismayed

Never thin enough

Nice enough

Strong enough

Christian enough

Worth enough to be content with me.

Surrounded by worldly possessions and its keepers,

Struggling to stay focused on Christ,

Today I realized I won’t win this battle.

I cried, screamed,

Begged Jesus to take me home

Free me into the heavens,

Fill my heart with infinite peace.

Tired, frustrated, hurt, and broken…

I gave in.

The pain is too deep

Too often and

Too much for me to bear.

I want out, I confessed,

I have no desire to fight any longer.

Nothing in or of this world is worthy,

Certainly neither am I.

-

© LRS 2011

No Trespassing April 22, 2011

Sick to my stomach
Disgusted to say the least
I will not keep company in your filth.

-

You don’t understand what you’ve lost
What you have chased away.
All that could have been yours
Will go to someone else.
I know you don’t care now,
But someday you will.
I hope then you will make amends,
Rebuild relationships.

-

So easily you threw away
Such precious bonds
Gifts, from God,
Which are not promised to be here when you’re ready,
Selfish boy.

-

You cannot understand the magnitude
Of how you have forever killed a piece of me.
My soul, still connected to yours,
Will always be tainted by your
Vicious attempts to murder my affection.

-

Offered so much,
You violently turned your back on us.
Overpowered by self-hate,
You denied yourself a chance at real relationships
Outside of your selfish desires.

-

Consumed by the past
Haunted by loveless beings
You fought against the wrong force.
Pressed hard, away from love,
Instead of protecting yourself from thieves
Nagging at your soul.
You gave in, gave up, put up no fight.
With each passing day,
You allowed them to steal love from your grasp.

-

Refusing to see what you see
You cannot learn what is quite obvious.
Your doubt and hate
Keep you from experiencing our love.

-

I’m out. I’m done.
My heart is closed.
If you change your ways
I may allow you another glance.
Until then,
Keep Out.

-

© LRS 2011

My Voice April 18, 2011

My eye lids so transparent,
Even with my eyes pressed tightly closed
Trying not to see,
I still see his face.

-

His voice so distinct,
Several hundred years could pass and I would still recognize that voice,
Lingers in my ears.
It winds around my mind in unfamiliar patterns too complex to understand.

-

I just need to hear you.
I love you.
He knows never to question my love.
Without ever needing an explanation my care is apparent.

-

Heavy breath, thunderous pants, uncontrollable fear,
Panic sets in.
Nothing can live amongst this anxiety.
Devoid of light the dark, dark of night captures his thoughts.

-

No place to hide
No comfort to be found
No home to call his own.
I feel this weakness and oddly, it provides me strength.

-

A tiny speck of sand, a broken piece of rock, so small it goes unnoticed.
Regarded as dust, dirt, trash;
A part of this earth, but unnecessary for survival.
Pushed aside, forgotten, left to suffer, die, rot.

-

No amount of wrong done, selfishness shown,
Or resentment pent-up can make me compassionless.
Allowing bitterness to overpower would make me the perpetrator.
I will not be cruel, heartless, spiteful.

-

What really matters in life
What is important to me
What I am capable of,
Is what makes me different than you and others that deny him and those of his likeness.

-

When he needs, I am there.
When he must, I am there.
When he can’t, I am there.
When he… I am there.

-

Instead of losing sight of me, I am there
Gaining, retrieving a part of me that was ripped away
Without a second thought, many years ago.
Together we ride, hands in the air, giving up everything, loving only one another.

-

You were speaking my words, writing my thoughts; like we were the same person.
I regret… I shouldn’t have… I tried… I’m sorry.
I just need to hear your voice.
I love you.

-

© LRS 2011

Beautiful Liar March 28, 2011

Skilled
At what you do
Years in production
Practice doesn’t make perfect
You are a natural.
Little of your effort
It takes
To master this art.
Not much forethought
Goes into preparation
A true talent
That has become you.

-

Dark eyes
An honest smile
Young and overlooked
Who was your first?
Did they see you?
Were your skills valued?
Perhaps they were
Too self-absorbed
Too ignorant
To cherish your special gift.

-

I realized
Rather quickly
You chose me
To receive your truth
I never had a chance.
To escape your passion
Meant
Turning my back
On myself
Something you knew
I would never do.

-

You held on tight
Called out to me
Knowing I was listening
Waiting for your world
To become
My own.
When you reached
For my hand
There was no going back.
I agreed
To take that trip
With you
Promised
It wasn’t fantasy
I knew the reality.
You undressed me
With your words
You borrowed my spirit
Made all the right plays.
Outside of myself
I watched you
You led the orchestra
Of my heart
Into a symphony
Of cohesive harmonies.

-

Accepting this you
Is foolish of me
I know your art
Will always be
Your first love.
A willing victim
Living in your castle
I believe you
Killing myself
One word at a time.
I sacrifice
For the better of you
Someday you’ll see
I gave you strength
It was me
Who empowered you
I’ll take your shame
Discharge your guilt
Onto my shoulders.
Continue to build
Your character of talent
Fine tune your masterpiece
Together we’ll live
In your vision
Me
An enthusiast
You
A beautiful liar.

-

© LRS 2011

My Perfect 7 January 1, 2011

Light, so bright
Playful and high,
An open-ended corner
Gifts I cannot deny.

 

Innocent
Full of life,
I protect with care
Delve with delight.

 

Ready, open
Prepared to flee,
Beauty, this beauty
Uncommon to me.

 

Gauged by wealth
Success… no risk,
Flirted with evil
Not all opportunities I’ve missed.

 

Conditioned
Masked by wisdom and truth,
I waited to be used
Like a forgotten phone booth.

 

Hated, I’m not
Judged, forever I’ll be,
With respect for the lady
I danced with her king.

 

Community space
Shared by those that do not speak,
Laces that grippen
Constantly weak.

 

Amused and unshappened
Dictated by loss,
On fire with passion
No matter the cost.

 

Angered by trauma
Swept up by despair,
Encouraged by insight
Released by my fear.

 

Accepting my fate
Gaining strength in my knees,
Naked without secrets
I embrace this bipolar disease.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Flesh Wide Open, Overexposed December 31, 2010

I see sadness in every person that passes me. I can sense the loneliness that haunts me in every surrounding soul.

 -

I don’t know what I’m doing here. Working so hard to maintain… keep it all together. What will calm me? What will soothe this heartache?

 -

I don’t laugh like I used to… I need that joy back. Each day, the same as the next; nothing to look forward to. I just need to breathe, but even that’s hard nowadays.

 -

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

 -

I’m driving straight into the darkness. Feeling weak although I know what courage this requires.

 -

With each breakdown, I have a breakthrough, but the pain doesn’t get any easier to feel. I am so tired of feeling. I just want to empty into a sea of white space and feel nothing… care for no one… desire no more. For now, I will talk myself to wellness.

 -

I’m sick of being fucked up and allowing others to control my thoughts. So sick… horribly sick… disgusted in fact. I want to reach out, but I know I should step back, pull away, and keep my distance.

 -

I need a break, a long break, perhaps live life as someone else for a bit. Who shall I become? One who is overly cared for would be nice… one that needs to be taken care of and basks in the enjoyment others have in caring for them.

 -

I just want to feel loved… and loveable. Worthy of love.

 -

Wish I could turn to a substance for escape, but nothing eases my pain. I want to escape, so I run; run fast, hard, and without looking back. Running towards my darkness, towards my biggest fears; opening myself to all the hurt in the world. And I have no idea what is to come.

 -

I am so afraid… mostly of rejection. Although I can’t imagine I could hurt anymore than I already do.

 -

I only eat because I know I should, and sleep is the same. I can’t seem to find anyone as broken as I to relate to.

 -

With each passing tree and mountain peak, the closer I feel to freedom. Oh Lord God, please help me find freedom. I strongly desire freedom. Bound by this disturbing depression, closed off to those who really do love me and instead drawn to those who just don’t give a shit!

 -

I need to confront this head on and bite back.

“Fuck you.”

“I love you.”

“Ignore me.”

“Pay attention to me.”

Where is my normal?

 -

I haven’t been able to remember my dreams in months, except for today. I was talking with my dad on the phone, his voice was just as I remembered, he was hesitant in meeting with me, and so I cried and begged him. I promised no judgment, no negativity, just an embrace… the embrace I’ve longed for. He asked why I came to Tucson, “For you dad. To see you.” He seemed shocked yet it made him smile, I could hear it in his voice. Validation… he longs for it just as I do. What’s killing me is killing him too. I awoke, tears drenched my pillow, my heart felt a moment of peace… he’ll meet me… at least that’s what I’ll think for now.

 -

I wish I were numb.

 -

Thinking about the Lord and how much He loves me is the only thing that really makes me happy; makes my soul smile brightly.

 -

This too shall pass…

-

© LRS 2010

You September 25, 2010

 

Hello.

I see you over there

Staring at me.

I am pleased

You’re fond of what you see.

Will you hold my hand?

Will you move a little closer

So I can hear you speak?

Welcome.

I could sense you

From a distance

Yearning to kiss me.

You seem tense.

Am I not what you expected?

Allow me to latch on forever

And gaze into your eyes.

May I hug you?

Today is goodbye.

Our time together

Has been swift.

Still in your presence

Yet already desiring

To be with you again.

Promise when I wake up

You will be there.

Promise when I open my eyes

I’ll look over to find

You,

With me.

 

© LRS 2010