Writing In Ink August 7, 2012

Panic subsides as I reach for my pen
The pages on which I write breathe life into my story
These words are merely my perception, my light shining through darkness

Celebrating the real depths of my conscious
I settle into knowledge, allow awareness to overcome me
The power of wisdom provides me courage in heavy doubt

Little seeds, life not yet formed, were planted in my soul
With compassion, honesty, and sentiment, blooming has now begun
The melodic arch of the road yet traveled entices my interest

Unwavering commitment pushes me through challenges
Dictating my choices one breathy moment at a time
Taking alternate routes towards my steady destination

Unwilling to compromise my happiness
Success has yet to be determined
Uniformity has never been my style

I bleed for what I love, loyal to those I trust, indebted for that which has been gifted to me
Standing tall and proud on my own strength
Pouring severity into never ending peaceful waves of lively spirits

Touched and affected forever
My walk gleams with promise
The potential I once was, I am now becoming

© LR 2012

A Heart Full Of Thanks July 11, 2012

Peaceful breaths of solitude,
the serene once again befriends me

Discovering new beginnings,
patiently I act

Sadness is not an option,
life awaits my embrace

I smile, an honest feeling of happiness,
the gift in being set free

Wholly present, with myself,
eyes wide open, thankful and pleased.

© LR 2012

You, In Glass Houses March 26, 2012

I sensed the judgment in their eyes,
Digging into my soul,
Attempting to know who I was.
The tone in which they spoke of me,
Claiming to know my truth.
I never before questioned their intentions,
Yet now I evaluated each relationship.
Did they speak of my tears,
Of the coldness my heart learned to call home,
Did ever they wonder why my life seemed so perfect,
What I may have been hiding beneath 320 pounds?
In denial I found comfort,
Familiarity,
Connection,
Eventually it led me to darkness.
As I stepped into the light,
My eyes were opened,
I wasn’t happy.
How masterfully I had fooled them,
Shocked them with the word divorce.
Nonetheless, I cried,
Alone,
Forgotten,
Betrayed,
And judged.

© LRB 2012

just another day March 12, 2012

the calming sounds of my cries, more familiar than those of my laughter,
this sadness, attached to my soul, sinks me deeper into the world,
heavy, daunting; i’m so scared for tomorrow.

 

a most common prayer these days,
Father, please, bring me home,
i’m tired, i’m finished, i’m ready.

 

so far from everything i’ve ever known,
i can’t remember what happiness feels like,
unable to even recognize it in others.

 

the shattering of my heart, with every beat,
seeps out of my eyes,
into a pool of guilt, anger, loneliness.

 

the heaviness of this sorrow is winning,
i surrender, i give in,
i’m not strong enough to carry on.

 

many years of hiding pain,
abandonment,
my inability to trust.

 

waves crash over my head; i can’t catch my breath,
deadening silence fuels my despair,
and all i dream about is sleeping… forever.

 

© LRS  March 12, 2012

 

Effortless Love September 30, 2011

No matter how tall, or how far, he is the man I love.

 

The man I long to hold
Within my embrace.
To kiss his lips,
Feel the rough of his smile
Soothe my ache.

 

Walking side by side,
Hand in hand;
Eyes memorizing his every move,
Preparing blue prints
For my tongue.

 

A single moment, to taste his breath,
Ecstasy would be mine.
A fire ignites,
Penetrates my soul,
As I simply think of him.

 

My body swells,
Overwhelmed with passion, with angst,
As I talk to him.
Readied fingers scurry
As I read his words.

 

Tears of joyous pleasure meet my lips,
As I see him.
A word,
A laugh,
A picture.

 

My wake is met with
Only happiness,
Because
Of
Him.

 

No matter how tall, or how far, he is the man I love.

 

© LRS 2011

 

My Happy Corner July 28, 2011

Four white walls etched with traces of accidents.

 

The bright yellow sun
Its rays stretch out to meet me.

 

A heavy black box
Muffles beats
Soothes my ears.

 

Used
Heavy
A comfortable place to sit, reflect, express
Inspires me.

 

A thick tablet
Accepting, trustworthy, safe
On it I reveal all that is within
Day and night
Night and day.

 

© LRS 2011

 

For(ward) Ever July 9, 2011

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could be someone
Other than me.
So disappointed
In what I’ve become
With the mistakes I’ve made
Disgusted
With the regret I feel.

 

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could feel something
Other than heartache.
Tired of hurting
Tired of crying
Tired of my protests
Falling on deaf ears.

 

If…
If only…
Then I would be happy.

 

If…
Only if…
I could be saved
Redeemed for my sins.
I can do this
I must press on
Gather my strength
Forward ever,
Backward never.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Disillusioned Beauty July 8, 2011

empty
in this oversized casing
dragging this body
around corners
through doors
looking for happiness
with my own reflection

 

unable to identify
the true meaning of beauty
nor do i see beauty
amongst the sway of this flesh
breasts too small
skin too scarred
teeth too crooked

 

whoever finds beauty in this body
has yet to see it nude
free from editing
it is more than flawed
disappointing
disgusting
damaged

 

placing one foot
in front of the other
searching for comfort
with what i’ve been given
a body
i will
never
accept

 

© LRS 2011

 

Unworthy April 25, 2011

On a quest

Searching for happiness within,

I have yet to be capable of loving my self.

This morning I awoke dismayed

Never thin enough

Nice enough

Strong enough

Christian enough

Worth enough to be content with me.

Surrounded by worldly possessions and its keepers,

Struggling to stay focused on Christ,

Today I realized I won’t win this battle.

I cried, screamed,

Begged Jesus to take me home

Free me into the heavens,

Fill my heart with infinite peace.

Tired, frustrated, hurt, and broken…

I gave in.

The pain is too deep

Too often and

Too much for me to bear.

I want out, I confessed,

I have no desire to fight any longer.

Nothing in or of this world is worthy,

Certainly neither am I.

-

© LRS 2011

Distance September 18, 2010

Days go by
So long and unfamiliar,
The nights
So lonely.
I walk about
Searching for fulfillment
My soul desires connection.

 

I crave your love
Acceptance
Attention.
Fears accumulated since birth,
I have worked so attentively to overcome,
Are back, draining life from
Deep within my soul.

 

Purposely not allowing negative emotions to overcome me
I sit back
Glass in hand
And breathe in, oh so deeply.
My thoughts are inconsistent and overwhelming.
Sweet green, please
Calm my mind.

 

My passion,
Honest and luring,
Separates us even more.
I step away, just for a moment, to
Let my thoughts run wild.
Joy and happiness brings heartache
And I am confused.

 

My sentiment is raw and true,
But still new
And unpredictable.
Will closeness cure this
Or must I relish in these feelings,
Allow them to ferment
And accept what they become.

 

Arrows grip my flesh
My stomach aches with adore
The pure satisfaction is telling.
I long to know you
Hold your hand in mine.
Hear your voice
Speak my words.

 

I study your face
I am determined to find similarities.
Oh precious man
Walk your path and stumble onto my own,
Look into my eyes and deny me.
Pay my spirit for the years of debt.
Sing a lullaby as I fall asleep.

 

Mend your ways.
Increase our love.
Tear down this
Distance
And hold me
In your arms,
Forever.

 

© LRS 2010