Pain, the Price of Freedom September 8, 2012

I started reading this book ‘The Untethered Soul’, which has been helping me deal with, not run away from, the loss of several significant relationships in the past year (my brother, dad, husband, best friend, boyfriend, and the recent death of my 12 year old pet cat).

Today I prayerfully read chapter 11 ‘Pain, the Price of Freedom’ through tears, and this is what it taught me…
I must become familiar with pain in order to grow. If I’m doing things to avoid pain, then pain is actually running my life; all my thoughts and feelings will be affected by my fears. Hiding the pain, or pushing it away, will only hinder my growth, my healing. On the other side of pain is ecstasy, is freedom.

After I read this chapter I prayed again, with loving kindness I allowed myself to feel the great depths of pain, then I released it to the care of my heavenly Father. I immediately felt the heaviness of that pain lifted. I recognized the sadness I was feeling, but it no longer identified me nor dictated my actions for the rest of today. I felt a small bit of this freedom, of peace, and I felt a deeper connection to God.

I’m so very grateful for the many people I have in my life today that encourage me to grow, make difficult decisions, and stand by my side. I feel your love, support, and prayers. I am uplifted, enlightened, and awake to this very powerful and important spiritual journey. Thank you for doing service to the Father and helping me change for the better. I love who I’m becoming and I love you for accepting all of me.

“The Untethered Soul: the journey beyond yourself by Michael A. Singer”

© LR 2012

Fate’s Rose April 22, 2012

Fragrant, bitter;
biased, to torture my soul

No weakling has a better home
than under the control of my reign

The fool, only the wicked would claim
not to pity

And I sit, passively drifting,
connecting knowledge to growth

© LR 2012

untitled January 26, 2012

manipulation beckoned her
she understood this love
it was her false hope that revealed his words as promises
intentionally never meant to be fulfilled
yet she obsessively believed the lies
his charisma, his sexual deviance, his secrets
she delved
her world was complex, understated, she craved true passion
he bound her hand to his
forced her into his darkness
she need not had been bound
her spirit, connected as one to his own, gladly followed
and eventually led
into the darkened sea of sin, immorality, evil deeds
they plunged
breathing in only the overflowing fountain of deepened sorrow
her forgiveness, guarded by Kings
he weaseled until she sliced his soul from his chest
devouring all he was meant to be

 

© LRS 2012

In My Presence October 23, 2011

No one can hear her in my presence
I won’t crumble or grow weary,
More beautiful than words
Allow me to show you what these lips can do,
Come to me.

 

With my hand
Palm your chest, stroke your heart, and forget her cries,
I offer all of my passion
We lustfully play, blindly fall,
Come to me.

 

I won’t beg for your love,
My sole desire; your hands exploring my body
Your mouth whispering along my flesh
Your eyes smiling with mine,
Come to me.

 

I kiss my soul into yours, absorb your truths
Let you feel my mouth’s heart immerse your strength,
She is unable to please as I do
Step away from words, walk into my embrace,
Come to me.

 

© LRS 2011

 

My Rising July 19, 2011

Locked up
behind doors in my mind.
Mountains of thoughts
built up over time
waiting patiently
to be climbed,
overcome,
to crumble with confidence.
In favor of my heart
I tightly close my eyes
refuse to see anything
other than love.
Like stones loosening at the base
my emotions drift off
break free from their foundation
become their own.
I’ve been given a second chance
a rare opportunity to connect
never contemplating the risks
I free fall from
the highest point of my thoughts
and wait to be caught.
Soaring above my body
looking over all aspects of life
I find true love.
Slowly
I may be ready to open the doors
one
easy turn of the knob
at a time.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Deliver Me July 15, 2011

 

questioning
all i knew as truth
under the influence of one
transformed
into everything i once believed
was wrong

 

if this is me
how can i fight it?
not sure i belong here

 

running
towards rastafari
hands in the air
waving my white flag
i surrendered
my soul now aches

 

stalk me
cover me in your passion
with all of you
nothing is ever enough
all i ever crave is
more

 

caught
in a whirlwind
chaotic thoughts
stable
in one moment
clinically ill
the next

 

nobody will ever understand
for i am utterly confused
grateful
i still feel something
not yet numb
just waiting…
for
death

 

© LRS 2011

 

Rest in Peace July 2, 2011

I purge you
From my heart
From my mind
I vomit thoughts of you
Your name
The sound of your voice
From my belly walls
Out into the street

 

I suffocate
Smother your scent
From my nostrils
Breathe you out
From my soul
I flush you
Cast you into the dark sea
So you can never control me again

 

I slap your face
With spikes in my hand
I mutilate you
Smash your head into the gravel
Watch your flesh bleed out
Turn blue
Turn white
Smile,
As creatures of the night feast on your body

 

Just as leaves blow in the autumn air
So do my cares for you
I separate from you
Drain my warmth out onto another
My eyes wide open
My heart closed up
Hard pressed
Guilt ridden
Soaked in grease, I slipped

 

I gather what’s left
Douse you in gasoline
Light a match
The same match I’ll use to burn my flesh
Scar my skin
To match my heart
Use my wetness to put out the flames

 

Stroked
Twisted
Caught dead in the middle of the day
Draw your pain on my feet
Step into the lake and wash your hurt away
The water turns black
Stained by your struggle
Gruesome and proud
I am not your savior

 

No appetite
I feed on your retinas
No thirst
I drink your juices
Not tired
I sleep amongst your remains
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust

 

© LRS 2011

 

Boomerang June 8, 2011

The unpredictability of you
scares me, pushes me away
But,
that’s what you wanted
am I wrong?

 

Haven’t you worked this hard
to make me disappear
get lost in you
tear my soul from its core,
wasn’t that your plan?

 

Am I now to be concerned
forgive, move on
love as before
pretend you aren’t who you are
yet again, give you all of me?

 

I certainly know
the liar in you
is more worthy than your apologies
and the manipulation of your words
is more dependable than your actions.

 

So I’m in your head
your thoughts are wrapped around me
you miss me
you’re sorry for how you’ve behaved
you’re seeking help.

 

Which is truth, which is farce
I have no desire to determine either
I want only to be forgotten
I want out of this equation of
evil, toxic, poisonous love.

 

You have not a clue of what
the word love really means
or requires. Mine is to be
earned, not toyed with
I have no more time for your issues.

 

I am claimed to be known
yet the woman you believe I am
is your own fantasy, I am not her
you know no more of me
than what is known of yourself.

 

Cut from the same cloth
yet one is
alive in truth
and the other,
dead in spirit.

 

I mourn the loss of what
I wish we had, what lived in my dreams.
The reality of you
I have only one word to describe
Disillusioned.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Within The REM May 6, 2011

Living in my dreams
a more comfortable reality as of late
I reunited with my relatives.

All of them
taller, larger than I
stood over me with
protection and care.

As I hugged each one
I felt…
at home.

I reconnected with
my childhood
the loving relationships
I so deeply missed.

Tears fell into
puddles at our bare feet
whilst we embraced
spirits flowed freely from
one body into the next
sharing our souls with
peace and ease.

I climbed into their arms
we exchanged blinding
apologies and well-wishes
nothing was comforting
all was overwhelming.

Each tear
tore into the earth with
vengeance
guilt
regret.

The warmth of their bodies
told me the truth.

I awoke feeling calm
yet uneasy and
still empty.

Oh peaceful sleep,
why have you left me…

 

© LRS 2011

 

DayDreamer May 3, 2011

Dreaming of a romance
A soft, inviting embrace that
Doesn’t turn cold.

A glance
Becomes a timeless stare,
Never breaking my trust
Never causing my heart to ache.

A warm passion
So great
I cannot bear to live without it.

Our bond is more than love making
Our adore is stronger than disagreements.

Mutual respect is never a question
Unconditional love is absolute.

I feel the tenderness of
Our souls uniting
The angst
In the brush of my breasts.

I do not pull away
Nor do I dare allow
Our eyes to ever part.

Silent words exchanged through lips
Warm and moist
We meet.

The tingling joy of bare chests greeting
Lights my fire with uncontrollable urges.

 

© LRS 2011

 

No Trespassing April 22, 2011

Sick to my stomach
Disgusted to say the least
I will not keep company in your filth.

-

You don’t understand what you’ve lost
What you have chased away.
All that could have been yours
Will go to someone else.
I know you don’t care now,
But someday you will.
I hope then you will make amends,
Rebuild relationships.

-

So easily you threw away
Such precious bonds
Gifts, from God,
Which are not promised to be here when you’re ready,
Selfish boy.

-

You cannot understand the magnitude
Of how you have forever killed a piece of me.
My soul, still connected to yours,
Will always be tainted by your
Vicious attempts to murder my affection.

-

Offered so much,
You violently turned your back on us.
Overpowered by self-hate,
You denied yourself a chance at real relationships
Outside of your selfish desires.

-

Consumed by the past
Haunted by loveless beings
You fought against the wrong force.
Pressed hard, away from love,
Instead of protecting yourself from thieves
Nagging at your soul.
You gave in, gave up, put up no fight.
With each passing day,
You allowed them to steal love from your grasp.

-

Refusing to see what you see
You cannot learn what is quite obvious.
Your doubt and hate
Keep you from experiencing our love.

-

I’m out. I’m done.
My heart is closed.
If you change your ways
I may allow you another glance.
Until then,
Keep Out.

-

© LRS 2011

Open-Ended Love Affair April 21, 2011

Not too far off in the distance

A large white smoke billows

Over the length of my body.

A tiring week of events soaks

My clothes in sweat.

His touch, too often forgotten,

Casts shadows in colors missed by the naked eye.

Only under the dark of these shadows

Am I able to express my desires.

Been asleep for many years

Lost, under his spell,

Now awake, feeling all but the present.

I cannot shut my eyes to rest.

Simple, yet uneasy tasks

Crash like waves onto my head

Knocking me down. Swirling under

I am not allowed to come up for air.

One after the other I am pressed down

Deeper and deeper into the earth.

Separated as can possibly be from the heavens,

I am closer to God than ever before.

I let out a loud screech, a call for help,

Hoping others will hear me and seek me,

Rescue me, transform my mind.

Focusing on lines, lines that show definitives,

Age, experience, heritage,

How these lines connect us.

One becomes two, then four, and back to one,

No relation between the previous

Yet all attached to the being,

Which is separate from my soul.

Softening blows, only through acceptance.

Governing peace, through understanding.

Weighing down upon my shoulders, the

Pressure of cohesiveness;

No longer a part of the responsibility I am willing to bear.

I will do my part, only my part.

I will be what is needed, for you,

Only for you, all for you, embracing you.

-

© LRS 2011

Distance September 18, 2010

Days go by
So long and unfamiliar,
The nights
So lonely.
I walk about
Searching for fulfillment
My soul desires connection.

 

I crave your love
Acceptance
Attention.
Fears accumulated since birth,
I have worked so attentively to overcome,
Are back, draining life from
Deep within my soul.

 

Purposely not allowing negative emotions to overcome me
I sit back
Glass in hand
And breathe in, oh so deeply.
My thoughts are inconsistent and overwhelming.
Sweet green, please
Calm my mind.

 

My passion,
Honest and luring,
Separates us even more.
I step away, just for a moment, to
Let my thoughts run wild.
Joy and happiness brings heartache
And I am confused.

 

My sentiment is raw and true,
But still new
And unpredictable.
Will closeness cure this
Or must I relish in these feelings,
Allow them to ferment
And accept what they become.

 

Arrows grip my flesh
My stomach aches with adore
The pure satisfaction is telling.
I long to know you
Hold your hand in mine.
Hear your voice
Speak my words.

 

I study your face
I am determined to find similarities.
Oh precious man
Walk your path and stumble onto my own,
Look into my eyes and deny me.
Pay my spirit for the years of debt.
Sing a lullaby as I fall asleep.

 

Mend your ways.
Increase our love.
Tear down this
Distance
And hold me
In your arms,
Forever.

 

© LRS 2010