Flesh Wide Open, Overexposed

I see sadness in every person that passes me. I can sense the loneliness that haunts me in every surrounding soul.

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I don’t know what I’m doing here. Working so hard to maintain… keep it all together. What will calm me? What will soothe this heartache?

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I don’t laugh like I used to… I need that joy back. Each day, the same as the next; nothing to look forward to. I just need to breathe, but even that’s hard nowadays.

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I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

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I’m driving straight into the darkness. Feeling weak although I know what courage this requires.

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With each breakdown, I have a breakthrough, but the pain doesn’t get any easier to feel. I am so tired of feeling. I just want to empty into a sea of white space and feel nothing… care for no one… desire no more. For now, I will talk myself to wellness.

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I’m sick of being fucked up and allowing others to control my thoughts. So sick… horribly sick… disgusted in fact. I want to reach out, but I know I should step back, pull away, and keep my distance.

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I need a break, a long break, perhaps live life as someone else for a bit. Who shall I become? One who is overly cared for would be nice… one that needs to be taken care of and basks in the enjoyment others have in caring for them.

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I just want to feel loved… and loveable. Worthy of love.

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Wish I could turn to a substance for escape, but nothing eases my pain. I want to escape, so I run; run fast, hard, and without looking back. Running towards my darkness, towards my biggest fears; opening myself to all the hurt in the world. And I have no idea what is to come.

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I am so afraid… mostly of rejection. Although I can’t imagine I could hurt anymore than I already do.

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I only eat because I know I should, and sleep is the same. I can’t seem to find anyone as broken as I to relate to.

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With each passing tree and mountain peak, the closer I feel to freedom. Oh Lord God, please help me find freedom. I strongly desire freedom. Bound by this disturbing depression, closed off to those who really do love me and instead drawn to those who just don’t give a shit!

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I need to confront this head on and bite back.

“Fuck you.”

“I love you.”

“Ignore me.”

“Pay attention to me.”

Where is my normal?

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I haven’t been able to remember my dreams in months, except for today. I was talking with my dad on the phone, his voice was just as I remembered, he was hesitant in meeting with me, and so I cried and begged him. I promised no judgment, no negativity, just an embrace… the embrace I’ve longed for. He asked why I came to Tucson, “For you dad. To see you.” He seemed shocked yet it made him smile, I could hear it in his voice. Validation… he longs for it just as I do. What’s killing me is killing him too. I awoke, tears drenched my pillow, my heart felt a moment of peace… he’ll meet me… at least that’s what I’ll think for now.

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I wish I were numb.

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Thinking about the Lord and how much He loves me is the only thing that really makes me happy; makes my soul smile brightly.

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This too shall pass…

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© LRS 2010