The Journey: 9/30/15 September 30, 2015

I’ve been feeling down, hating myself; my looks, attitude, financial situation, lack of relationships, and overall circumstances. It’s been leading to a joyless life filled with negativity and self-rejection.

After years of dealing with abandonment and rejection from others, followed by years of healing from those experiences, I am now finding more and more that I have been abandoning and rejecting myself.

Why? Is that what I feel I deserve or am I just so used to that kind of treatment from others that I’ve turned it inward?

I spend a good amount of time reflecting, looking within for insight, practicing self-awareness and evaluating my behavior. Recently it’s revealed my lack of self-love, self-acceptance and self-respect. The way I’ve been talking to and treating me is far beyond my scope of how I would even treat an enemy. At least with an enemy I’d be more likely to ignore them and not engage rather than be rude and hateful.

So, now what do I do to change these behaviors and focus more on loving, accepting and respecting myself?

The Journey

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Know Me August 21, 2011

My words,
Not meant to entertain;
My life is not a game.

These are real emotions,
Real questions,
Real, honest pain.

 You think you know me,
Just as well,
I’m not writing for the fame.

 Allow me to ask you this,
My love,
What is my full name?

 On this pillow,
Every night,
My tears leave worried stains.

 Swept up by lust,
I lost myself,
Now you see my shame.

 A lonely girl,
With chaotic thoughts,
You may question if I’m sane.

 But,
Won’t you find it in your heart
To love me all the same.

© LRS 2011

Crashing August 19, 2011

Worried, anxious

Terribly concerned you’ll take your last breath

Before offering me a single thought.

Allow me

To consume your every day

And sleepless nights.

I need only a whisper,

Secretly shared between us,

To believe you.

No yearning to feel drunk

Intoxicated by your promises to cherish

Drifting towards lust.

Take me

Complete my lips, my words

With your ripe nectar.

Kiss me

With your voice.

Color my soul

With your pain, your blood.

We’ll unite our hurts

Heal together

Through sweat and tears.

Just when I feel I’ve lost it all

Your message of hope appears

Stings my eyes with beauty.

I understand

But no,

Don’t go.

Don’t leave me here

To fight alone.

Be willing.

Courageous.

Be my drug.

Love me whole.

I’ve lost my fervor to do anything

Other than

Love you sick.

Tossed about

Between real life and fantasy

I can no longer tell the difference.

Have I gone too far?

Stretched,

Too thin?

Shuffled within the confines

Of my own emotions

Listless.

Shot glass #7 in my right hand

Your letter in my left.

Either choice,

I’m killing myself

One swallow at a time.

Creatively enhanced

By your interest.

I’m just an average girl

F*cked in the head,

Literally.

Like an allergic reaction

My body rejects your touch.

Pushes you back

Where you belong.

Releasing you,

One day at a time.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Mistakes, They’re a Plenty July 22, 2011

Flip. Rumble. Panic.
Bright pink, star bursts, open air.

 

Inch. Passion. Beg.
Cool mist, salty shouts, fly away.

 

Comment. Stare. Passive.
Protect life, eat alone, slam hard.

 

Risk. Enchant. Confuse.
Scrawly brown, rippled looks, dancing clouds.

 

Bead. Jump. Grieve.
Die tomorrow, opaque brilliance, ordinary love.

 

Never swallow rum prepared by dirty hands loosely stored in work gloves, especially on a Thursday.

 

© LRS 2011

 

My Rising July 19, 2011

Locked up
behind doors in my mind.
Mountains of thoughts
built up over time
waiting patiently
to be climbed,
overcome,
to crumble with confidence.
In favor of my heart
I tightly close my eyes
refuse to see anything
other than love.
Like stones loosening at the base
my emotions drift off
break free from their foundation
become their own.
I’ve been given a second chance
a rare opportunity to connect
never contemplating the risks
I free fall from
the highest point of my thoughts
and wait to be caught.
Soaring above my body
looking over all aspects of life
I find true love.
Slowly
I may be ready to open the doors
one
easy turn of the knob
at a time.

 

© LRS 2011

 

Whispers in the Wind July 11, 2011

Bits and pieces of you float around me

With each blink I attempt to wrap you within my mind

Dancing in the wind, you flirt

Pluck my curls from beneath my ear

Leave sweet kisses atop my lashes

Gently, eagerly; land on my chest

When I reach for you, you weave through my fingertips

One after the other you gather on my cheeks

I press you into my skin; allow my flesh to absorb your energy

Deep in thought you step into my mind

Capture me from those in my presence

Keep me for yourself

Release into me

Together we are home

 

© LRS 2011